Wow, it is really pouring out there! i love the rain though. I slept soooo good last night and slept in way too much today because it was raining, and i was sleeping just too good to get out of bed. So, first let me say that I feel so terribly bad for all the people who were affected by hurricane Katrina. I dont know if it was working with the Red Cross for a while or what, that got me really emotional about hurricanes. I suppose I just didnt see how they affected peoples lives and their homes before I started working there. Its just awful that so many people died and so many homes were destroyed, I really do just feel so bad for them. I pray that the Lord will heal those people who lost their loved ones and their homes. Hurricanes really are a huge interuption, but I think interruptions are needed because they cause you to focus on things you might not do on a normal day, however now the days arent normal because of this interruption and you focus and rely on things you dont usually focus and rely on.

Second, i feel so much better this week. i was telling ash last night that i wasnt sure if it was because jo was here and all of a sudden normalcy came back into my life or what, but i just feel like me again. I did feel so good when jo was here, i felt like me, i acted stupid like me, i didnt feel uncomfortable or weird ever, and i was just happy again. the familiarity of her face and her presence here made me feel so much better. The word home is so delicate to me now, its almost like the word love, well not really, but i just think more before i say it. this really isnt my home, maybe one day it will be but right now im still adjusting. I always just call it, "the apartment." Home really is florida, not necessarily pensacola or tallahassee, just florida in general, where justins parents are and my parents and our friends, thats home, and i do sincerely miss it a great deal. However, I realize that for the next two years, ohio is where i live and so i need to try and make this place a second home to speak. i cant continue to think that I live somewhere else or ill always be as sad as i was the past two weeks. it really is a mind over matter situation, and the thing is is that i always thought i was so good at that. no matter what was going on or how scared i was or how bad things looked or seemed to be, i could always convince myself that it was ok and i was fine and i would have fun and just go about my business. Then, all of a sudden I couldnt do that anymore. I told justin i thought i was actually depressed. I was so sad all the time and just moped around and never genuinely smiled anymore, it just stunk. Now i think God has really healed that part of me that longs for home. Ive been trying really hard to just make heaven my home and long for that and long for fellowship with christ one day. I find that when i focus on that, i dont miss my earthly "home" so much because God is showing me so many amazing things to even focus on all the other stuff that is going on. Its just so cool.

Justin and I had a big talk the other night about our expectations and wants and needs and what not. We talked about getting out of debt, what our plans are, how we feel about stuff, sex, of course, and God. We just talked about how since we have been married we really just slacked off on our alone time with God. Justin suggested we do stuff together, and Im not all against that or anything but I really just need to be alone with God right now. I just want to long to sit at the feet of Jesus, I dont wanna work it into my day, or read the bible as a means of "checking it off the list." I want to really want Him.

Well, I have been looking for jobs, I have applied at about 5 jobs since I have been here and about 20 over the summer, but apparently NOBODY WANTS ME! and they always say that they want someone with experience. how am I supposed to get experience if no one will hire me, huh, HUH? it doesnt make sense. anyway, if I dont have a job by the end of this week, when i get back from taras wedding im getting whatever and i mean whatever i can find because even minimum wage is better than no wage. Plus, I cant take sitting on my toosh, any longer!

So, Tara is getting married in just five short days and i am so excited! I love her and morgan and they are soooo made for each other and I cant wait til they are Mr. and Mrs. Lohse! its gonna be so great. and i get to wear a pretty little garnet dress! Woo hoo!

Well thats enough for today. Hit ya back lata!

PS: FOOTBALL SEASON IS STARTING! THE NOLES PLAY IN JUST SIX SHORT DAYS! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in a funk

Well, today was better than the past week that I have been here, so thats good news. yesterday was my birthday and it was such a strange day. I have never had a birthday without all my friends and family being there. I did get a lot of phone calls and that made me really happy and justin was pretty sweet and got me a fish and we cooked out and went to the movies. I just feel like I am so outside of myself right now that it was hard for me to be truly happy. I just want my joy back. Today was a little better. I didnt really think about how much I missed everyone and everything and I didnt really think about how im in such a funk. As the night went on I am thinking about it a little now, but it was cool this morning to wake up and be in a good mood and be sorta happy. I just want to be that way all the time. I have been praying about it and trying to get out there and meet people, but every single day, as night nears, i start to get sad again, its really weird. Anyway, I really need some encouragement and prayer so if anyone reads this feel free just to pray for me.. I need to learn to depend on God and depend on Justin now moreso than before because he is my husband. Its weird for me because Im so used to having like 50 people to talk to and be with and rely on and now I really only have God, which He is more than enough, Im just having to learn that I need to let Him be my everything. Well, I suppose Im gonna continue watching Justin play halo2 and then go to sleep. Night

The Wedding

So, where did I leave off last, ah yes, MY WEDDING DAY! So its finally here and I wake up and Ash spent the night with me, so she has gotten in the shower, and I roll over and all I can do is quietly say, "Oh my gosh." All of a sudden everything was so real and so weird! I was excited but I was like WOW, its really my wedding day. Its a day i have dreamed about forever and spent the last 11 months planning and here it was! WHAT THE HECK! Well, I got up and got all my stuff together and went to UWF to see the reception and then headed to the church to get my hair done. Dad dropped me off and I got all ready and my mom and Myra got there and then one by one the girls rolled in. All of the girls were beautiful and looked so hot in their hot pink dresses! I loved it! we all got ready took pictures, and then sat and waited til it was time to walk the aisle. We went around to the back of the church and I watched them all walk in, and then tanner, with my brother helping him, he was a little irritable, then Taylor and Reagan with their pettles, and then my Bretty, with his bell, ringing and running, it was so cute. And then, I heard the music, and I grabbed my dad so tightly and we were off! It was so exciting, I couldnt believe that many people were there! It was a little scary but so cool, I just get nervous in large crowds and 400 people is a large crowd to me. Anyway, looking at Justin the whole time I was walking down the aisle was really funny to me actually. I was kind of cracking up inside. I have watched so many corny movies and what not with this particular part and was thinking haha, im doing it, haha, weird! anyway, I am just so emotional I had to think of other things so i wouldnt bawl the entire time! Which I did cry a little bit, but I didnt break down like I thought I might have. so, dad gave me away, and we said our vows, and exchanged our rings, lit the candle, which from what I hear was a tearjerker. Not so much the lighting, but when Justin and I prayed, my emotional friends! I love them! anyway, we kissed, and we were married!!!!! We took lots more pictures and headed off to the reception. it was so fun just dancing away with all my friends, shakin my booty and all! Dancing with my dad was immensly fun, and justin wasnt too bad either. Then I heard the last song, Lets Get It On. I knew this was it, the wedding day was almost over! its time to go, you know, ah!!!! So we danced and ran down to the car with the Just Married on the back window and the preverted things inside! haha! Off to our honeymoon!

We spent the first night in Destin, it was, fun, and interesting, a real learning experience. The hotel was beautiful though and we were on the water on the 20th floor. We just left the door open and slept to the sound of the waves, it was awesome. We woke up the next morning and checked out and headed to Atlanta. we got some food on the way, of course crunch wrap supremes, yummy! We got to Hotlanta and found a hotel and slept there that night. the next morning we headed to the airport to catch our plain to Jamaica! It was soooo fun! It was beautiful and peaceful and so much fun. We ate everything, slept in and layed out and swam all day. Justin played lots of volleyball, we went out on a paddle boat and a sail boat and the island was beautiful from way out there! I just loved the whole week! It was awesome! Then we had to head back to the good ole USA. We arrived in Atlanta Friday and drove to Pensacola. We spent that Saturday and Sunday packing up, with the help of Kristi and Ruco, and headed out on Sunday afternoon. It was all good and what not and then, we got to Ohio.

Come to find out, I freakin hate Ohio. I have not one friend and not one clue as to what to do or where to go. im not gonna lie and act like its all ok because its not! it gets better every day, it is just a HUGE adjustment. I have been having a good time with Justin but when Im alone, i get so lonely and just want my family and friends, and my normal life back in Florida. I have been praying really hard about it and I know that God can use this time to help me and Justin grow so close and help me to depend on the fellowship that God gives and depend on his companionship and let him teach me and grow me. however, I am just sulking like a little baby and I really need to get over it. its just hard to! I just want peace and joy again, I havnt been myself really.

Well, basically it is getting better, I feel great today, i actually feel like me. Im just doin my thing and happy. Hopefully its all gone and my emotions and sulking will subside. I just have to realize that yes I am out of my element, but this has to become my new element. this is where I live now and yes its different, but I knew it would be and Im not going back to Florida.

all this to say, God is awesome. I had an amazing wedding and an amazing honeymoon. I am married to the most wonderfullest husband ever and I need to just allow God to use me where Im at, and give me joy and peace about where I am now. I mean ohio is kind of cool, its shaped like a heart!

a message from: Mrs. Manny!

So guys, Im married! Thats right, I live with a boy! So, it was the greatest week and a half of my life! It all started the week before the wedding. I had my last day of work, which made me sad a little. I had grown to love that job and all the different fun people I worked with. I loved loved loved working with Tara. She is the greatest and we had so much fun just running errands together and doing wedding stuff for hers and my wedding. My boss shannon is sooo cool, and irish! and I will miss her dearly. Anyway, so the next day Thursday, Justin and his fam arrived in town and the fun began! I was soooo happy to see him, I mean, we were getting married in two days, i hadnt seen him in weeks, I just HAD to jump on him like a dog in heat! Im gonna wager that his family thinks Im nuts. So that night we had a couples shower at the Parazines and it was fun and we got a lot of fun things and I had a great time just talking with everyone there. I really do love all of my friends and my parents friends and just the people from my church, it is amazing fellowship and I cherish it. After the shower, we went home to find Tanner and Taylor had arrived with my brother and Chris too. I WAS SO EXCITED! I hadnt seen them in months and they are so adorable, I wanted to hug them more than anything! it was awesome.

The next day I woke up and got ready for my bridal luncheon at Norma's. It was a good girly time and we had fun eating and chatting away like girls do! I love all my girls! Espeically those with spanish in them ;) After the luncheon, me Merry Beth and Tara went to get our toe nails done. Afterwards me and MB rushed home to get changed for the Rehearsal, which was country themed. It was super fun though! We all had our hats and boots and belt buckles on, it was soooo cute! We rehearsed at the church and then headed to the Mesquite Charlies Saloon for some steak and all the fixins'.

Later that night, we left the saloon and headed to my house for the bachelorette extravaganza! HELLZ YEA! It was so fun with all my fun girls and I got lots of good lingerie and l had to wear a shirt that said, "Boys this is your last chance!" After we ate my cake that looked like a piece of lingerie and opened the presents, we headed to fridays for a few shots, well I only had one! Anyway, after that I went home to get rest for the big day! Which, I will tell you about later because Im tired of typing!

Princess Jill