trust issues

oh dear, where do I even begin to discuss whats going on in my head and heart. Many things have popped up or have made their way into my life recently that has had me face the fact that I have trust issues. I like to be in control, and I do not like tossing my hands in the air and saying, "I give up, I dont know what to do, ok God, you take care of it all."

I want so badly to display a christian walking closely with God that easily leans on Him when things get icky, but really, I just try to harder to take care of it my way. God knows exactly what we are doing, even when we try to sneak by Him and act like we are giving Him everything and trusting His decisions and submitting to His will. He also likes to throw things in my path to remind me that while I think my faith in Him is strong, clearly I cant give up some of the things I like to have MY hands in and I like to choose what happens in those areas.

I also dont like to deal with the stuff. I would rather, get in bed, turn on a Friends DVD and fall asleep after an episode or two, instead of talking it out, being honest with God, and challenging myself to face it, and figure it out.

Well, last night, I COULD NOT sleep! I came in the living room and began reading, and soon found myself on the computer. I was, of course, reading a blog that I told myself I WOULD NOT READ! I kept avoiding it, bc I get too into a story and it will actually affect me for days and maybe thats good, maybe thats unhealthy. I often think its God putting them on my heart to pray for, but sometimes I just get so scared thinking about what I would do in the same situation. Im sure most of you have heard of this little girl, Layla Grace. Her story is heart wrenching to me, and I begin feeling fearful of what I would do if it were happening in our family.

This is one area that I cannot give up to God. Im a mother, my number one responsibility is to protect and preserve Kennedy. To care for her with love. How could I ever let anything happen to my sweet girl?!?! So what do you do, when as a parent you have to submit to the will of God, when it means harm to your babies? I want to be the one who chooses what does and doesnt happen to her.

Last night I just prayed and prayed that God would help me to have an eternal world view of what He was doing, and to view her as a piece of the big story, that He has given to me to care for, but she is ultimately His. Im thinking this is going to be a continuous struggle that I will constantly have to pray about and hash out with God, because this will NOT come easy to me.

The other thing I had to hash out with God last night was that of submitting financially. I swear, 52 things have popped up about giving and being faithful with our tithes. My friend Christi blogged about it, some people on facebook posted about giving, its KILLING ME! OK GOD! I SEE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! Justin and I are in a very awkward in between phase, bc we moved and went without a paycheck and now Im not working at all, we havent really had a normal pay month yet, and so we havent tithed in a while. I can make every excuse in the book; we wont have enough for bills, it will overdraft our account, blah blah...the main thing is, its a trust thing. God gave us everything, none of it belongs to us really, so why do we think we have the right to decide what we do, when clearly the Bible says to give it back??? So, thats it, rain or shine, poor or rich, we're giving. Its not a money issue, its a heart issue...do we really trust God? I dont want to just say yes, I want to live an example of what it means to surrender to Him. He doesnt NEED the money, but I NEED to give it, to know that in my heart I trust Him with it.

I need to get spiritually healthy, and that requires cleaning house around here. Getting things back in order. Seeing the eternal picture. Raising my children to know that as much as I love them, God loves them more. Submitting to the will of the creator and being content with His decisions for our family. Not holding back money to make sure we are ok, but giving it faithfully and letting God show his power and glory and provision for those who obey and trust.

I dont really know why I felt led to share this all on here, but maybe there are things you think are fine, or you can take care of, and so I hope this challenges you to spend time telling God what is scaring you, or what you havent been willing to do, but you know you have to let go and just let Him take over. Submitting to someone else is difficult, especially when we look at a situation and we think we know whats best, or what will or wont work. I definitely feel that way. But I know that God is not a God of fear, and so I know that this cant be scary, but relieving to know that all I have to do is obey. That will open me up to so much more effectiveness for Him, if Im not constantly trying to control everything.

Thanks God for getting down to the nitty gritty with me last night. It wasnt always pretty, and I got a little angry and frustrated, but it was all worth it.